My favorite Chuck Norris “facts”. Enjoy :))
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands They are now The Islands
Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square
Some kids piss their name in the snow Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine We now know this truck as Optimus Prime
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried
Chuck Norris can speak braille
Chuck Norris does not sleep He waits
Chuck Norris was once the F B I’s chief negotiator His job involved calling up criminals and saying, “This is Chuck Norris “
Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 2 moves
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle
Fire escapes were invented to protect fire from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance “
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse
In his will, Chuck Norris has specified that if he dies, he will bury himself
Chuck likes his meat so rare that he only eats unicorns
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books He stares them down until he gets the information he wants
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash
Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is an optical illusion. His right foot doesn’t swing around and hit your head, his left foot spins the earth so that your head hits his foot
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
M C Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain
Chuck Norris can stare you down with his back turned
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants
The only thing that gets between Chuck Norris and justice is an equal sign
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver and wins
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off
Chuck Norris can drown a fish
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost
When God said, “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say please “
Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris He is the end of all things
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there
Chuck Norris doesn’t need a miracle in order to split the ocean He just walks in and the water gets out of the way
Chuck Norris has perfect death perception
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye
Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now “
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can’t lift it And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Chuck Norris is
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better do what Chuck Norris says
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 10 feet behind him
Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek ” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you “
Chuck Norris went to every planet in the galaxy. That is why there is no life on any of them.
You will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.
Chuck Norris can send you a roundhouse kick by E-Mail.
When Chuck Norris runs backwards during a fight, it may seem like he’s retreating. He’s not. He’s just attacking from another direction.
If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris had never escape from jail. Jail escapes from Chuck Norris.
Some people wear Superman pajamas while Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids. The results came back positive. When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, “Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?”
Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.